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| Please be very, very, quiet, we're hunting
Matthew's.
Oh! You have never heard of this elusive prey?? Well let me give you a few details, for those of us that have joined in the hunt we will be needing all the help we can get. |
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HABITAT: Born Darien, Connecticut May 29th 1965
PARENTS: Frank and Roberta Porretta, this group of Porrettas are known for their beautiful singing voice, have been seen at times in there natural habitat, 'Civic Operas'. CHARACTERISTICS: Six foot one inch tall, Deep Brown eyes, A voice as warm as a summer breeze. Legs up to his armpits! (I swear!) Also the rarely seen Dimple which will peek out when Porrettacus smiles widely. This is such a rare sight that a separate society, The Dimple Watch Society has been formed. |
| Our first glimpse of our prey occurred when
one of our members was searching a habitat known as The Theater. Here she
saw Matthew following his natural instinct to sing on a stage. Les Miserables
was the name of the Theater setting, but he went by the name of Marius.
Our elusive prey has been known to change his name many times. Please
be wary of this!
Porrettacus was next sited in another theater setting. This one was called Passion, he now went by the name of Count Ludovic. But this sighting is unconfirmed because said Count was known to be a gigolo. This is not Porrettacus' motus Operandi. |
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| Up Here!
Down Here! Up Here! ArrowHead Water!
Down Here!
Down Here!
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Once the Porrettacus
was found in the theater he fled to hide within a small box. He was seen
in a commercial for Arrowhead Water. We found the Commercial
did have its ups and downs. After viewing this commercial we noticed
that Porrettacus was squatting in front of the camera alot.
It was then we paused to give thanks to the producers of the commercial. After the Water commercial he was then sighted in a TV show called "Beverly Hills 90210" Again his name was changed to Rubin. This was when we realized that Porrettacus suffered from a horrible affliction known as Hair-in-eyes-itis. Something that would continue to plague him as the years rolled by. During his stay in the box, Porrettacus disappeared for a short while. |
| He was found again on a large screen,
In a film Called Robin Hood, Men in Tights he was now going by the
name of Will Scarlet O'Hara.. It was difficult finding him here
because he now spoke in a foreign accent. Also the Hair-in-eyes-itis, seemed
to plague him horribly here.
Thankfully a temporary cure was found using a snappy green hat! (Photo to right) Getting closer to our prey, Porrettacus was able to elude us again donning a red wig and elegant blue gown with veil. Personal Note: Author was very angry that Porrettacus looked better in that gown that she would have! |
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| Porrettacus again evaded our society, only to be seen briefly in the small box again. In a series called Wings. He was now going by the name of David Barnes. Thankfully we had caught him after he had just shedded his facial hair, the Dimple Watch society was able to jot down many sightings here. | |
| It was a year later when our Society was finally able to view our prey
in a more stable setting. He was now nesting in a foreign country called
Lithuania. The small box showed him on The New Adventures of Robin Hood.
He went by the name of Robin Hood. Setting up a blind in my front room. I prepared to study my prey. For a year I sat before the box. studying Porrettacus very carefully, it demanded many hours before this box. It was then I learned that when approaching our prey you do not bring a brush! He has been known to run away from it when in sight. |
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 < Arm swelling
"Jacobi" Notice swelling in arms. This is still being studied by our field crew. Over, and over and over! We have a very dedicated and thorough field crew. Bless their hearts. |
After carefully studying Porrettacus our society noticed that a swelling
began to form in his upper arms and chest. We attributed it to the red
meat and beer he was being force fed. After much deliberation we realized
that this was not such a bad thing.
Side Note: a curious side effect of the red meat and beer was a tendency to walk up walls. Porrettacus began to suffer greatly from Hair-in-eyes-itis. At one point it escalated to Hair-in-face-itis. This caused him to speak in a different voice again. The swelling in his arms was very apparent in this particular episode, another name was used here, Jacobi. Again we are unconvinced this was Porrettacus as this Jacobi was a killer, and a scoundrel, not the normal operating procedures for the Porrettacus. We think that perhaps this was an incredibly handsome look alike. Strictly for research!!!!! |
| But now we have come to the end of our study my dear friends, for Porrettacus
has fled Lithuania and is no where to be found. I plead with you, please
help us find our elusive prey. Perhaps these excellent artists rendering
can help.
When last seen he looked like this: :{)> If shaven he will look like this: :) There were rumors that he was able to cure his hair-in-the-eyes-itis if this is true? Then he would look like this: ]:{)> Please help our small society, If he is found please call: 1-800-Matt-WhereRU Ours is a thankless job, we can but hope and pray that he will be found someday. |
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